Climbing out from underneath what crushes us: noises, smells...

.....hair, milk and other emissions from our BEAUTIFUL bodies

This ‘Climbing out from underneath what crushes us’ is a series I am doing on what crushes women. I examine messages we are given in our families, messages from schools, the workplace, society; messages we have internalised which we use to control and berate ourselves and anything else that interests me. I am a 48 year old woman who grew up in South Africa and now lives in London in the UK. I have white skin, extensive education and a lot of other privilege. AND I still often feel crushed by the weight of expectations, shoulds and inherited beliefs around emotions, behaviour, capacity, how life and success ‘should’ look and what (or how) I am ‘allowed’ (to be) as a woman. Particularly in my mothering journey. I wrote more about that here.

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When I was thinking about the way in which women are conditioned and encouraged to be neat, palatable, pleasing I reflected on how broad this is. About how this covers all the facets of our existence. It is not just about ‘behaving like a lady’ or what constitutes ‘acceptable behaviour’. It is about controlling everything about us. Our bodies are a main target for this - convincing us that we are wrong, bad, the wrong shape or gross and need to manage this ‘wrongness’ or ‘grossness’ away. A huge theme also emerged around hiding, controlling, denying, minimising and suppressing what our bodies produce. There is an obsession in western culture with being clean, smooth and small (and don’t forget fragrant and hair free). In all the ways.

It is extremely difficult to discern whether we - as woman - want this, or if we have fully internalised and bought into the conditioning around this.

Female bodies and what they produce

There is lots that comes out of our female bodies and our multiple orifices: babies, tears, mucous, blood, wee, poo, ear wax, breast milk, vaginal discharge, gas (burping from our mouths and farting from our bottoms, also sometimes called ‘trapped wind’ - do you think that is to make it more ‘ladylike?) and in one way or another we are shamed for nearly all of this.

Specifically in my own history, I have felt intense shame about the production of ALL the things from my body. I wanted to hide what my body produced (specifically smells and poo) and also not speak of it, perhaps if my denial was strong enough I could actually disappear the bodily outputs that weren’t appealing. I became obsessed with acting like my body was always neat, fragrant and hair free. I used to joke about regular ‘girl maintenance’ appointments which were a leg wax, bikini wax, eyebrow and lip wax. I did grow up in a hot country where we were often in swimming costumes but still. Cultural influences like the TV show Sex and the City played a part, SATC was at its peak in my 20’s. We all remember how Miranda was shamed for not getting a bikini wax in one of the episodes (or maybe the movie). Why is female hair bad? Porn movie bodies have filtered into the mainstream and made us all believe we need to have a vulva that looks pre-pubescent (with no hair).

I used to think that this was mainly to do with growing up in the southern hemisphere but my view on that has shifted. It is another way to say to women ‘your body is bad and needs to be controlled and neatened’.

And who are the main drivers of this message? Is it women giving this message to each other? Is it a competition for the male gaze? Or the female gaze? Is it female approval we seek?

We have been shamed for the reality of our bodies

Until I had kids I felt intense shame around farts. And I feel ridiculous writing this to you and being honest about it. It seems so silly and yet it is indicative of so much.

I can’t easily say the word ‘fart’. Even now. Even after the exposure therapy of having kids. I absolutely wince at it. Saying it makes me involuntarily put my head down, turn away and become smaller in stature - which is an embodied shame response. Where did I get that? Honestly, I am not really sure. In my childhood home, farts were labelled ‘birdies’ and I had a sense of shame that these were not ok and needed to be ignored and silenced. If some noise or gas managed to escape it felt so embarrassing. And something to be teased about.

In my adult love relationships I always wanted to hide the reality of any gas escaping. Why is this? Why is it that often men celebrate farts? Openly joking about them with friends or competing about who can be louder? They seem to find them funny and nothing to be ashamed about.

Why is it that I (and maybe you) don’t high five our (girl) friends when we have farted and instead actively try and hide this? Why do we try and pretend that our body is not actually a body? Because ALL bodies produce gas. This is a natural occurrence impacted by multiple factors (like what we ate that day).

When I used to work in investment banking and management consulting (in my former life) I had some roles where I sat on a huge open plan trading floor amidst a sea of mostly men. There was a morning ritual for many of them which was entirely open and carried out without shame each morning. They would stand up from their desks, take their newspaper and go off to the loo to ‘drop the kids off’ or do their ‘morning constitutional’ (do a poo) quite openly. I cannot imagine a group of women doing that. And why is that? Does that connect to my own shame? Do you feel like this too?

The shame is gendered

We all (men and women) have EXACTLY the same bodies (apart from sex organs) - we each have a heart, lungs, kidneys, legs, arms etc. Yes, we all look different for multiple reasons and we have different manifestations of hair (some of us have more prolific hair than others) but we each have a body that runs through a myriad of INTRICATE AND INCREDIBLE functions each day to keep us alive. Isn’t that enough? How come we can’t just celebrate that?

Why is it that the production from the female body is so shamed/criticised? Is it too simplistic to suggest that this relates to the patriarchy and the notion that woman are the second class citizens and need to be kept in line? Does it perhaps relate to competition among women?

Going to the bathroom is one way we are kept alive - it allows us to clear waste products and is an important part of the way our bodies detoxify. The produce related to reproduction - breast milk, menstrual blood, vaginal discharge related to ovulation - are actually MIRACULOUS, yet often we are even shamed for these.

With my daughters I am actively ‘shaking off the shame’ and being open and celebratory about my own body and its processes. Instead of whispering about menstruation and labelling it ‘the curse’ I have talked to them about the power inherent in their bleed and how it relates to childbearing (in an age appropriate way). We can push the shame out of ourselves and away from us. It does not belong to us.

We can keep the patriarchy and body shaming out of our homes. Owning our bodies and what they produce in all their magical-ness is actually an act of resistance against this over culture we live in.

The new reality of our bodies

Instead of being crushed by the weight of expectations and ideas about how our bodies should be what about we reclaim their power and really OWN it?

I am proud of my body and all it produces:

• Tears - a beautiful expression of emotion which brings about a let down and stress reduction. An important part of grieving.

• Babies - literally the most magical little beings of all time. And we grow them and push them out.

• Breast milk - a complete food for newborns (and valuable for however long the child is breastfed) with a composition which alters over the course of a day, depending on the weather, depending on whether the baby is sick. MINDBLOWING.

The rage I felt about this suppression of our VITAL LIFE FORCE and the expression of our magnificent physicality grew as I wrote this article and prompted me to write these reframes. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.

• I am not gross when I fart. Or maybe more powerfully ‘I am still magical when I fart’.

• I am not gross when my sweat and armpits smell. Or ‘I am still magical when I smell’.

• I am not gross when the blood which indicates abundant fertility pours out of me.

• I am not gross when I cry. I am NOT being ‘too emotional’. I am in touch with the full range of emotional expression that has been gifted to me.

• I am not gross when I have not had a bikini wax.

• I am not gross when I have a full bush of hair on my vulva, in fact this is THE BRILLIANT way the entrance of my precious vulva is protected. Or maybe ‘A full bush is beautiful’!

• I am not gross when I have hairy legs or a moustache or bushy eyebrows or an under the chin wiry bunch of hairs (what is this about though???). Or what about ‘my chin hairs are magical’!!!!

• I am not gross when I have a slimy discharge around the time of ovulation. This is NOT a snail trail. This is evidence of the miraculous things my body can do.

Let’s claim the EVERYDAY MIRACLE of our bodies.

I am going to let my body just BE a bit more.

The rage about how we have been held down around this is circling in my body - what is happening in your body?

Thanks for reading, hope this post did not gross you out. And if it did - maybe you can wonder about why that is.

Love Cath