Climbing out from underneath what crushes us:

The idea we 'should' feel certain ways in our mothering and Journal Prompts

This ‘Climbing out from underneath what crushes us’ is a series I am doing on what crushes women. I will examine messages we are given in our families, messages from schools, the workplace, society; messages we have internalised which we use to control and berate ourselves and anything else that interests me. I am a 48 year old woman who grew up in South Africa and now lives in London in the UK, I have white skin, extensive education and a lot of other privilege. AND I still often feel crushed by the weight of expectations, shoulds and inherited beliefs around emotions, behaviour and capacity. Particularly in my mothering journey.

This would typically be a paid subscriber post and this one is for everyone with no paywall.

Motherhood is still an institution where there is SO much pressure to feel and behave in a certain way, especially in relationship to ones children and anything involving their care. And even though there is not a manual that says ‘you are meant to enjoy motherhood and your mothering role and endlessly love your children’ this is how it often feels to me. This is the case for many mothers. It is a manifestation of what Andrea O’Reilly calls ‘patriarchal motherhood’ combined with how what we learnt in childhood about how we need to be. Luckily, we talk much more about rage in motherhood, ambivalence, needing breaks, feeling overstimulated, feeling desperate for alone time and the grief and loss inherent in mothering. And this wider discourse around motherhood is SO helpful and yet, living this is still extremely complex. I find it hard despite all the training and knowledge and studying I have done in this field. A part of me feels like I should be free of the shame, self doubt and self criticism, that I should be more easily able to accept my mixed feelings.

I have internalised an ideal of how I ‘should’ be or ‘should’ feel. I talk often about maternal ambivalence and about how important it is to welcome in all feelings on the emotions menu of life. AND YET the actual experience of living through times of dread, hate, boredom, intense loneliness and irritation in my mothering can leave me in an internal battle. Here is a great definition of maternal ambivalence:

Maternal ambivalence is the experience shared variously by all mothers in which loving and hating feelings for their children exist side by side.

Rozsika Parker

The battle in my head has multiple competing voices that say things like:

‘Of course it is normal to feel dread for an intense weekend’ or ‘I bet no one else feels like this, they are all enjoying their weekends, why can’t you cope?’ or ‘other mothers love this family time more than you’ or ‘there must be something seriously wrong with you’ or ‘why can’t you be more grateful’ or ‘I must be a horrible person’. And then sometimes ‘it is all ok angel, as you know all feelings come and go and you don’t need to make them mean something’.

The truth is I am multi-faceted person living through the multi, multi, multi faceted experience of motherhood and I am neither good or bad, I just AM. I am providing appropriate love, care, connection and experiences for my treasures and I have a huge range of emotions about all of this. I believe this is REALLY important to talk about, sharing lived realities helps us not oppress ourselves with the idea that everyone else is neater, better, more together, calmer or loving every moment. There is no one who enjoys every moment of motherhood.

But this is still hard to sit with as a perfectionist.

It is still hard to sit with when we have mostly allowed ‘positive emotions’ in our life.

It is still hard to sit with if we dissociate from our own feelings.

It requires a stretch in capacity, a growing practise and increasing tolerance for all this messiness.

If the battle in your head is predominantly negative voices it may be that you need more support, more breaks, more connection or more sleep and I hope that you can advocate for what you need. I had a frustrating afternoon yesterday (intermingled with some loveliness) so I asked for more support from my husband and he did the bath and bedtime process by himself. And I got a break and some time on the sofa.

We all look around and compare to each other and yet none of us really knows what goes on in another’s house so we compare to this fantasy ideal.

Rozsika Parker puts this so beautifully: ‘Yet mothers do look to other mothers to find ‘absolution’ for maternal emotions which the dominant cultural representations of motherhood render unacceptable, and which mothers themselves experience as both painful and unforgivable. I refer to the fleeting (or not so fleeting) feelings of hatred for a child than can grip a mother, the moment of recoil from a much-loved body, the desire to abandon, to smash the untouched plate of food in a toddler’s face, to yank a child’s arm while crossing the road, scrub too hard with a facecloth, change the lock against an adolescent, or the fantasy of hurling a howling baby out of the window’.

My home is not a fantasy and I don’t want to subscribe to a perfect ideal or perpetuate this in anyway. I have experienced a huge range of emotions just this weekend, I have battled in my own head and body with what I am experiencing and I have also increased my capacity for this range. I have been swimming, walking, talked about it, had a break, grilled aubergine (my new favourite thing), apologised when necessary, inhabited my adult responsibilities, been loving to my treasures and been loving to myself.

I hope that you can be self loving, seek joy and be forgiving in all the ways you can this week.

Journal Prompts for Grow Yourself Up Episode 102

It is SO joyful to be back with all of you on the podcast and here are the journal prompts to go along with the latest episode (102 on Chronic Stress, Nervous System Patterns and Healing)

1. What is your relationship to chronic stress like? Are you aware of when you are stressed? Do you know what this feels like in your body?

2. Do you always remember being stressed or overscheduled? Were your parents like this? How was time managed in your family? Do you have time blindness or are you always on time?

3. What is your relationship with time like? How do you manage your timetable and your diary? What does empty space in your diary feel like to you?

4. Do you have any autoimmune conditions or chronic fatigue or pain disorders or long term, chronic conditions? Have you pondered the links between any of these and the stress levels in your life?

5. What do you notice about your breathing? Do you shallow breath? Do you ever notice yourself holding your breath? When does this happen?

6. Do you have an idea of what makes you feel nourished on a day to day basis? Do you spend time each day doing the things that nourish you and that you enjoy? Is there one thing you can do today to bring in more joy and nourishment for yourself?

Sending love out into the world tonight.

Cath xxx