Simply having a wonderful Christmas time....(& GYU journal prompts)

And what if we are NOT having a wonderful time?

Does it feel like you are doing Christmas wrong? It is so easy to make ourselves wrong at this time of year. To think there is something wrong with us. That we are fatally flawed because we are not keeping time with the media music.

We are wrong with our feelings. Wrong with our children. Wrong because they are not performing as golden (remember ‘good as gold’), obedient, grateful children might. Wrong with our plans. Wrong with how our family behave. Wrong with how we celebrate. Wrong food. Wrong with what we actually want to do.

If we don’t feel like the prevailing mood or how we think we ‘should’ feel there is all sorts of self criticism, shaming and thinking we are ‘less than’ or defective. A general discomfort with how we are. I have noticed myself thinking ‘what is wrong with me?’ before. How come I am not brimming with joy? We are ‘supposed’ to feel happy, joyful, eager to celebrate, excited to shop madly, be dying to socialise and see lots of people aren’t we? And yet, we may feel absolutely the opposite of this. I think many more people than me feel mixed feelings. And also deep sadness, anger, dread, rage, ongoing melancholy, hopelessness, irritation, boredom and a feeling of being left out.

I have been tracking my Christmas experience and noticing how different it is to what is widely projected. I have also reflected back on some of my adult Christmases before I had a partner and kids and how outside of things I felt. And how painful that felt. I thought I would share some of my thoughts and experiences and how I am allowing myself the messiness of this season. I also want to note my huge privilege here - I live in a warm house, my children are safe with me, we are together, we will not be hungry at Christmas and my life is not being threatened. I am so grateful for the abundance in my life and the spaciousness that is afforded to me to be even able to write this. Here is a bit more about my reality right now….I hope it helps you to lovingly nurture you in YOUR reality. I have written something else prompted by world events which I will send out separately, a resource of sorts.

Crying and old sadness

I cry more at Christmas than at any other time of year. Every time Chris Rea’s Driving Home for Christmas comes onto the radio I sob. The Pogues Fairytale of New York has the same impact, even while singing along I can be wracked by sobs. I talked about this with my husband and his view was that it was ‘manufactured nostalgia’ and there may be an element of truth in this.

For me though, there is a profound sadness around Christmas. And it comes up as somatic memories, the sadness waiting just under the surface. The Christmases of my childhood were often very difficult, fraught with conflict (often unacknowledged and unresolved), silent treatment, anger and despair. There would always be a hope that my Dad would not drink too much, would not get drunk and yet each year was the same. Christmas in South Africa is hot so if there was a swimming pool we would be in and out of the pool alongside having a traditional Western Christmas lunch (some combination of turkey and ham). I grew up in a strict Catholic household so there was always a church service, sometimes midnight mass and sometimes a 7.30am service (so early!!) so we could get back for present opening. I was always stressed, trying to manage my Dad and ensure he did not drink ‘too much’. I wanted my Mum to be happy and not cry. Her mood was dependent on what my Dad was doing so I tried to manage them both.

A big old codependent whirlpool, none of which was ever my responsibility. No wonder there is so much grief and sadness around for me.

Do you recognise anything similar from your childhood? Patterns of parentification are common in many different types of dysfunctional families, there may have been no drinking in your family and you may still have worked to manage the moods of your parents. AND this type of pattern may mean you feel like you need to create/manage a wonderful time for all. You do not.

We are always told comparison is the thief of joy and I agree with this. And sometimes I find it instructive to compare. I use comparison as an explanatory tool for myself. It gives me more information about why my experience may be different. Someone with a different history will have a different experience to me now. I have made some peace with a lot of my history AND there is still grief. And that is okay. I am allowed to cry as much as I need to. It is now my job to tend to all of my parts and some of have a lot of tears that still need to be shed.

Please honour your own grief at this time.

Freeing ourselves from the crazy consumerism

I used to describe the King’s Road, a famous shopping street in London which extends from Sloane Square into Fulham, as my spiritual home. For the first few years I lived in London I spent a LOT of time there on the weekends spending money I did not have. I spent during the week too. In the early 2000’s, there was a Reiss store, an Oasis and a Warehouse at the one end of Liverpool Street station. When I worked at UBS buying clothes there after a stressful meeting made me feel better.

Shopping was a way I regulated myself.

I couldn’t understand those who did not like shopping, who spent their weekends hiking in nature or pursuing their interests. I was primarily involved in ensuring I had a good wardrobe to distract from my pervasive sense of not being good enough.

The crazy consumerism around Christmas always taps into this part of my life and I look around and see how many of us are using shopping as a regulating tool. How the promise of a new dress/shirt/the latest gadget seems like it might make us feel better.

It certainly distracts us from our internal worlds but no amount of stuff will make up for what we believe is missing in us. Really, there is NOTHING missing inside you. I know you are already worthy.

If you struggle with spending and tend to buy lavish presents, believing that this is necessary, perhaps you can gently wonder ‘Is this actually necessary?’ Is the spending making up for something that feels lacking? What may actually help you feel better? Can you take a smaller present and trust that it is your presence that is desired, not the present you bring?

I continue to tend to this in myself and remind myself of some words my sister said to me once ‘there will always be nice things in the shops’.

Single and othered: being the adult in the kids bunk beds

The message that is generally portrayed in society is that Christmas is for families. Happy families with kids. What if we fall outside of this? What if Christmas is one of the worst times of year, the time when our parents may have behaved the worst in our childhood. Or the time when we feel most alone, most left out, most like a ‘burden’ as an adult. Or perhaps our partner is at their worst - drinking or disconnected or on their phones. Without activities such as going to work and the rhythms and routines that ‘hold’ us up Christmas (and the concentrated time together) can feel like something to be endured rather than enjoyed.

I am 47 and met my husband when I was 36. For many Christmases before that I felt like this was not a time for me. I was always the single one. One Christmas when my siblings and I were staying together in a house we had all rented (them with partners and some kids) I stayed with an old school friend in the bunk beds in a kids room. It felt painful as it highlighted all that was lacking in my life that I desperately wanted.

Really, this story of who Christmas is for is BS. It is a time for us all. Let us throw off this idea together and start creating more nuanced, inclusive and real stories.

I hope you can find YOUR people and be in a place that honours you as you are. Many years ago, I spent a Christmas and New Year in a treatment centre on an addiction treatment programme. That may sound odd and miserable but it was like 5 years of therapy in 28 days and I am so grateful for that time.

I hope you can choose what feels good for YOU this year, as much as is possible within the constraints of your life.

Don’t wait to cultivate the joy

What about Christmas, and the time around it, makes your heart sing? Grieving is important AND it is also helpful to focus on what you can control and what resources you and brings joy.

I love walks in the crispy, bright Winter sunshine. Walks where the air is biting, the leaves are icy and crunchy, face cold, eyes scrubbed clean and bright and the sharpness of it all reminds me how grateful I am to be alive.

My success criteria for Christmas day is simple - a walk. As long as I manage to get a bracing walk in before lunch I don’t really care what happens the rest of the day.

I catch my breath and I feel restored, invigorated, alive, the physical movement bringing about a sense of grounded hope and possibility in my body.

I also notice what elements of Christmas and this season I want to magnify and savour and what feels good for my family. We are eating chocolate panettone and sausage rolls already, for us these are associated with Christmas and they bring joy. So we have started eating them already.

Finding games that we can play as a family, some gentle movies and ways we can all be together inside, in the cold (and maintain sanity) are some of the things I am focusing on. We are having some of my siblings and their families to our house on Christmas Day so I am streamlining the catering, focusing on simplicity, reigning in the need to control and embracing all that being together brings.

Wishing you well as you navigate the messiness of this season in your life, have a listen to Grow Yourself Up Ep 76 for more.

Let me know how you are experiencing the run up to Christmas? Or maybe you don’t celebrate Christmas? How do you spend the time between 25 December and 1 January? Happy Chanukah to those celebrating.

Here are the journal prompts for ep 65 of Grow Yourself Up. I am in the process of catching you up with all the prompts as my 2023 has been all sorts of messy. I also need to send some of you prompts from the earlier episodes. Get your pen and paper and write on what feels relevant to you from the below prompts, this is a loving exercise. Put a timer on and see what comes up.

Ep 65: Childhood Trauma, The Nervous System and Mothering
1. What came up for you as you listened to this episode?

2. What do you notice about your own window of tolerance?

3. Can you see how this relates to your parents nervous systems and the way they dealt with stress?

4. What do you know about your parents and grandparents childhoods and history? If your parents are alive/in your life can you ask some questions about this? Colouring in our own history to provide context can be so helpful and assist with self compassion.

5. What are some of your coping strategies? Do you see how they kept you safe as a child? How do they work now?

Sending you all love, go bravely about your days

Cath x