Nurture as the solution...
The counterpoint to ignoring ourselves (and GYU journal prompts)
For those of us who grew up in families where we did not get our needs met growing up learning to actually notice, pay attention to and put time into meeting our needs is a COMPLEX journey. I don’t mean to be overly dramatic or negative rather I want to draw your attention to how multi-layered this is. I also want to encourage you not to beat up on yourself if you become aware of how you ignore or neglect yourself.
In my experience (what I see clinically and personally) there are many ways this experience in childhood serves to de-centre us from our own lives. So it makes sense that the re-centering ourselves takes time, noticing and practise. Part of this involves learning to become deeply nurturing to ourselves. To tend to and love all our parts and to turn to ourselves over and over and over again (even when we think we are at our worst), the very opposite of the self-abandonment many of us learnt to survive.
How do we make space for that inner baby alongside needing to honour our adult responsibilities? How do we care for our inner community and turn up for our family and others, our work, our activism and our joy? How do we hold our wounds lovingly, care for ourselves and not spray all our childhood pain into our adult relationships? Very simply, we learn to be present for all parts of ourselves. To reparent each part in the moment, with kindness, discerning what may be necessary and being attuned to our emotional landscape. We don’t shame or criticise ourselves.
We don’t do this nurturing alone. Please don’t think this is something you need to do independently. Other people love, care, tend to and mirror us and we learn about our own wonderfulness through them. We learn about our own preciousness. And our own lovability. I hope you have some of these people in your life. A good therapist is a brilliant start. I have learnt to nurture myself from my therapist, from being a Mother and from loving friendships. My husband and I have also learnt to love and nurture each other without crushing each other with the needs of our inner child(ren). Having the word ‘nurture’ in this newsletter felt really important, it is absolutely central to any healing and growth journey.
I have never had a word of the year but towards the end of 2023 the word ‘ease’ kept on popping into my head. Calling me to notice it and to actually welcome it in more. I have been noticing increasingly how I make my life harder and work more when things get challenging (like starting new work projects when my attention is demanded in my personal life). I perpetuate patterns around self worth being linked to productivity and achievement in my own life and so it seemed fitting to welcome in more ease. My intention in 2024 is to reduce chronic stress in all areas of my life and so I am busy with the question ‘how can I nurture myself as much as possible’? I am habituated to high levels of stress and am intentionally moving away from this. Would you like to join me in doing this in your own life?
One of the areas I am focusing on is reducing my cortisol levels. I am approaching that by removing things that stress my system (I have given up all sugar as of 1 Feb 2024) and by adding things in. Things that relax, rejuvenate and bring joy.
Many, many years ago at one of the weddings I was a bridesmaid at there was a beautiful spa and I had an Indian Head Massage. I remember at the time thinking ‘this is heavenly, I should have more of these’. That wedding was in 2005 and I have never had another of those massages……So I decided to change that in 2024. I am done with self punishment, self deprivation and conditional worth. I have booked myself an Indian Head Massage and hope to feel relaxed and nourished afterwards.
What is ONE thing you can do to nurture yourself? Let me know in the comments!
Let’s welcome in more nurture, we certainly need it to do the work of changing the world!!! You depriving yourself of nurture does not help anyone, particularly not anyone who you need or want to extend care to.
And here are the prompts for the most recent episode of Grow Yourself Up:
Grow Yourself Up Journal Prompts Ep 85: Making Sense of Our Own Experience: Culture, Generational Trauma and Parenting Practises
Looking at your parents and grandparents what patterns of behaviour and ways of being do you notice are similar? Can you identify any cycles you hope to shift?
How was stress and change typically dealt with in your family of origin? How do you deal with stress and change now?
How was asking for help dealt with? Was this encouraged or was it important to get everything done independently? What is your relationship to asking for help now?
How do you tend to your emotions as an adult? Are you aware of how they show up in your body? Are you able to tune into them? Can you give yourself some time to focus on experiencing, processing tending to your emotions? What are you un-learning that you learnt in your family of origin?
Take good care.
Love Cath
